


Always Wander

by firedancerforever



Category: Lego Ninjago
Genre: (why is that not already a tag wow), Depression, Gen, like generally sad feelings but with a happy ending, plot insert
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-12
Updated: 2019-04-12
Packaged: 2020-01-12 02:53:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 20,302
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18437534
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/firedancerforever/pseuds/firedancerforever
Summary: Wake up, eat, wander, eat, wander, eat, sleep, wake up, Nya, wander, eat, sleep, wander, door, empty, wake up, Pixal, wander, door, locked, wander, cold, snow, statue, falcon, wander, eat, sleep, wake up, Nya, door, wander, eat, wander, Pixal, statue, wander, snow, eat, door, locked, music, Jay. Stop. No more wandering.***months after Zane's death, Kai is restless and finds that Jay hasn't been taking care of himself(originally posted on ff.net in 2014)





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> hi! if you recognize my username, it's probably from ff.net where I originally posted this fic in late 2014. if you're new here, you might know me as thatoneninjagosideblog on tumblr (even though it's been...very inactive for months haha sorry).
> 
> I've made a few edits for grammar here and there but otherwise this is the exact same fic as the Always Wander on ff.net. I am well aware that the plot of the actual show deviates from this now lol but I wrote this right after watching the s3 finale in 2014 so just go with it
> 
> honestly the fact that I wrote this 4 and a half years ago and I barely made any edits speaks a lot to how proud I am of this, so pls enjoy if you've never read it and look forward to me reposting my good ninjago fics here lol
> 
> if you've never read this before: there's really heavy depression stuff in here so just be aware of that
> 
> otherwise, enjoy!

_ “Jay?” _

_ “I’m busy. Leave me alone.” _

_ “I just wanted to—” _

_ “I said leave me alone.” _

_ “But—” _

_ “ _ **_Go away!_ ** _ ” _

 

Kai was restless. He had stopped counting the days since the Overlord had been defeated again. All he knew was wake up, eat, wander, eat, wander, eat, sleep, wake up, wander, eat, sleep, wander, wake up, eat, wander, sleep, eat, wander.

Sometimes when he wandered he passed people in the halls of Borg tower or on the streets of the city. They tried to talk to him, and he tried to listen, but he never found himself able to comprehend what they were saying. He would nod, try to smile, and keep walking. There was never a destination, but if he found himself in one spot for too long, he would feel jittery and on edge, and the only thing that came close to calming him down was simply wandering.

Every day he ended up in the same place though. The statue that hovered just outside the city limits. There was always a black falcon perched on the statue’s shoulder without fail. It had never moved from that one day, however long ago that was. Days, weeks, months. No one knew for sure.

There was snow on the ground when he reached the statue this time, but it had been snowing all day. There was no wind, but the snowflakes danced in wide circles all around him before landing gently on the statue or on the ground. Kai shoved his hands in his pockets, cursing under his breath for not remembering to wear a coat. It had to be winter, it hadn’t snowed like this since the funeral. And there were actual clouds today. It had been almost completely clear that day so long ago, and the snow had just materialized in midair. But today the sky was an overcast gray, making the statue a metallic black silhouette against the city. The immobile falcon on its shoulder really completed the look.

Breathing a quiet sigh of foggy breath, Kai looked up at where the statue’s face should have been. He wasn’t entirely sure how he felt about that. It was a tribute to Zane, but to look up and not see that familiar face somehow took away from it. Then again, if his face had been there, looking down on that little clearing, it might not be a real tribute. It would feel like he was really there, as opposed to being a reminder of what he had done for the city, for Ninjago, for them.

Kai shook his head. Maybe he was just overthinking things. He shuffled his feet a little in the snow, making tracks and revealing a little green of the grass below. He had been here too long. His joints were starting to feel stiff and he could feel the restlessness coming back. Plus it was freezing out here. He needed to get back inside. He looked up at the statue again and whispered to himself the same words he said every time he saw that statue. “Wherever you are, Zane, you’ll always be one of us.”

 

When he stepped inside the wide entryway to the tower, he felt a lovely blast of warm air hit his face and seep through his clothes. He stomped on the floor a few times to get the packed snow out of his shoes, freed his hands from his pockets, and took a few steps into the room. It was empty except for him. At first it felt normal, since the whole tower had been mostly unoccupied since the battle, but then it felt wrong. He wasn’t used to being so lonely, trapped in a giant tower of emptiness. He wasn’t the only one living here, he knew. Pixal was here, Nya was here, Cole and Jay were here. Sometimes Lloyd and his family would come to visit. But it was still so empty. It was such a huge building, and with so few people living here, it was impossible to find anyone.

He was happy to bump into Nya whenever he could. With everything going on, his little sister was the only person he could listen to and understand. Not that they talked much when they did happen to see each other. Usually she would just look into his eyes, and through some weird sibling telepathy, she would just know. She would know what he was feeling, how lost and lonely he was. There were no words, she would just know, and she would just know what to do. Sometimes she would ask what he had been up to. Usually he would just shrug. It was the only answer he could give. She would nod, maybe hug him, and then they would be on their way. Sometimes she would hold him tight like she knew he never wanted her to let go. He would feel stinging at the edges of his eyes and his breath would catch in his throat. She might whisper that everything was going to be alright, and he would feel hot tears burning on his face. Mostly though they wouldn’t talk, she would just hold him, and he would bury his face in her shoulder. She would rub his back to soothe him, and he would listen and try to match her breathing. He never knew how long that lasted, or how it ended. All he knew was wake up, wander, eat, wander, eat, sleep, wake up, meet Nya, wander, eat, wander, sleep, meet Nya, wander. Always wander.

 

His fingers were getting over the initial numbness of walking into a warm room after being outside in the snow now. Kai closed his hands into fists and opened them again, closed, opened, closed, opened, wandered, closed, wandered, opened, wandered. The building was so empty. He heard his footsteps echo off of every metal wall, but nothing reacted. There was silence and loneliness. All he heard were his footsteps echoing down the halls, his ragged stuttering breaths. He was alone with himself here.

As he wandered, Kai tried all of the handles on all of the doors he passed, opening the ones that were unlocked and peering inside to see if anyone was there. Empty, wander, empty, wander, empty, wander. Wake up, eat, wander, eat, wander, eat, sleep, wake up, wander, eat, sleep, meet Nya, wander, check the door, wander, eat, wander, statue, wander, door, empty, wander. Always wander.

 

Today was different. One of the doors was locked, but he heard something inside. Music. It wafted up from the space below the door, and he heard a little too clearly for comfort. Loud, heavy, echoing off the empty walls. Techno. Jay.

Normally Kai would have kept going down the hall. The door was locked. Obviously Jay wanted to be left alone. In fact now that he thought about it, hardly anyone had seen Jay since the funeral. Kai had talked with Cole a few times, passed by Pixal all too often without a word, bumped into Nya practically every other time he wandered out of his room, and spent a good chunk of his time talking to Lloyd and Garmadon and Misako and Sensei Wu when they came to visit. But now that he thought back, he had only seen Jay once since the funeral. And as he recalled, their conversation wasn’t exactly pleasant.

 

_ The heavily artificial-sounding music was blasting from the other end of the door. Days maybe since the funeral. Everyone was living in their own space now, spread out across the tower so that none of them really ever saw each other anymore. It was like they had drifted apart now that  _ he _ was gone. But Kai had finally found someone else. And only one person he knew would listen to that kind of music. He tested the handle on the door. Unlocked. _

_ Kai knocked on the door a few times before opening it. The music hit him hard. It was louder than he’d expected, like Jay was trying to drown himself in it. _

_ He could see Jay leaning over a desk in the corner. The room was dark except for the flood of light coming from the desk lamp. The bed was made neatly, the covers laid flat without a single ripple. It obviously hadn’t been touched since Jay had arrived there. The floor near the desk was covered in piles of who knows what. Boxes of all sizes, hunks of misshapen metal, empty energy drink cans. Kai had no idea what the rest was. The waste bin, long forgotten, was overflowing with papers, some crumpled up, some still relatively flat and covered with pencil markings and scribbles, some folded in no particular pattern, some ripped to shreds. _

_ “Jay?” _

_ Jay looked up. “I’m busy,” he said grumpily. “Go away.” _

_ Kai shook his head. He hadn’t been ready for what he was seeing. Before the battle, Jay had still been cracking jokes and trying to cheer everyone up. There had  _ always _ been a smile on his face. He even joked around with Cole a few times. And on the spaceship there had been a brightness in his eyes, the excitement that he was actually on a real spaceship fighting robot ninjas with plasma blasters. It hadn’t been a very fun experience for Kai, but he remembered the look on Jay’s face, how happy he was. And now…it was like that boy had never existed. _

_ When he saw Jay look up from the desk, every memory of that little smirk was wiped away. He couldn’t tell if Jay was pouting or angry or about to cry. His hair was dark and untidy, swept through too many times by nervous fingers, no longer shining orangey-red in the light like it always had. It seemed like he’d had a worried look on his face for too long and now didn’t know how to make any other expression. Though he didn’t exactly have the darkest skin in the group, his face was now white as paper and missing the marshmallow fluff that had made him so charming. He was still wearing his blue uniform, faded and dirty and stained with dirt and blood and oil, hanging uncomfortably loose. _

_ But what made Kai stop in his tracks, halfway through the door, were his eyes. There was no sparkle, no light, no happiness, no joy. Those weren’t the eyes of a teenage boy, still a child at heart, who had fulfilled his dreams of going inside a video game and mastering it within minutes and fighting robot ninjas with plasma blasters on a spaceship. Those were the eyes of someone who hadn’t seen the light of day for far too long, who hadn’t had any social interaction in days at least, who had isolated himself and who hadn’t slept and who had consumed too many energy drinks in a futile attempt to stay awake, who had forgotten about the existence of food, who had lost everything he’d held close. _

_ It felt like hours had gone by before Kai found his voice again. “I just wanted to—” _

_ “I said, leave me alone.” He was still indecipherable. Anger, confusion, fear, sadness, loneliness. It could be anything. _

_ Kai started to take another step, reaching out for his friend, his brother. “But—” _

_ Jay stood to his full height, which wasn’t much, but with the way he looked, he only got more frightening. “ _ **_Go away!_ ** _ ” _

 

Shaking the image out of his head, Kai once again reached for the doorknob, knowing good and well that it was locked this time around. No one had seen Jay since then. No one. He hadn’t even come out to eat. The thought made Kai feel sick. He jiggled the knob. Still locked.

Kai took a deep breath. He held his hand up next to the door, closed into a fist and ready to knock. “Jay?” He knocked twice.

Silence. Well, except for the music.

He knocked again, a little harder, and said a little louder, “Jay? You in there?”

Nothing.

“He didn’t answer to me either,” a voice said behind him, making Kai jump a little. He had been so used to the loneliness that he’d forgotten for a moment that there were other people living here. “Then again,” Cole said, “I didn’t expect him to. But the music was bugging me.”

“Don’t you live on the other side of the tower though?”

Cole shrugged. “I did, but I moved closer. I was worried about him. I haven’t seen him open that door since he hid in there after the funeral.”

“Wasn’t he there when Pixal said…?”

He nodded. “He hid away after that. I think he refuses to accept it. Besides, even if he does accept it, he’s been too isolated to actually see or hear proof. Anyway I think he’s in there for another reason.” Cole hung his head, and Kai knew at once what he meant.

“Have you talked to him?”

“Not since…maybe before the battle. I can’t remember. Or maybe the funeral, but I don’t remember him saying much even then. We haven’t said a word about her since we kept bothering each other about it. I can’t remember when that was. Maybe on the comet.”

Kai looked at the closed door again. “No one else has seen him. I see Nya all the time. She hasn’t seen evidence that he still exists since the funeral. He doesn’t even come out when Lloyd visits.”

Cole sighed. “When did you last see him?”

“I don’t like thinking about it,” Kai said. “But I can’t  _ stop _ thinking about it. He’s just a kid. We’re all just a bunch of kids. He was forced to grow up too fast.”

“Yeah. I hate to think of what’s in there.” Cole glanced at the door.

“He’s not the same person anymore. I don’t remember how long ago it was. Everything’s just one big blur since the battle now. Hours bleed into days, days bleed into weeks, weeks bleed into months. I have no idea how much time has passed.” Wake up, eat, wander, eat, wander, sleep, wake up, wander, eat, sleep, wander, Nya, wander, door, empty, wander, Nya, wander, eat, wander, sleep, Pixal, wander, wake up, sleep, eat, wander, door, locked, wander, statue, wander. Always wander. “I think it was a few days after the funeral, after he went into hiding.” Kai had to stop talking when he felt a lump rise in his throat. “He’s just not Jay anymore.”

Cole bit his lip and looked down. Kai stared at the door. There was silence between them, but the music beyond the door played on. And on. And on.

“Will you help me?”

Cole looked back up. “What?”

“Help me open the door. It’s locked.”

“Are you crazy?”

“Maybe. But someone needs to talk to him.”

“What if he gets mad at us?”

“Oh he will. There’s no question about that. But it doesn’t matter.”

“Kai, you remember what happened on the beach.”

“There were lots of times on the beach.”

“You know which one I’m talking about. The dark island. When they took Nya.”

Kai paused, his hand resting on the handle again. “Oh. That one.” As if he hadn’t already known. “Cole…”

“You know what I’m trying to get at too. Kai, what if he…what if he tries to hurt us?”

Kai closed his eyes, taking another deep breath. There was no question about it. Cole hadn’t been ready, no one had expected him to lash out like that, he’d never done anything like it before. But even then, once Cole was down, he couldn’t get back up. He had super strength, he should have been able to push Jay off of him. Jay was a short, skinny kid too. But for some reason he had kept Cole pinned to the ground. And it wasn’t for lack of trying. There was just something about Jay when he got angry….

“When I saw him, it didn’t look like he’d eaten in a while. I hate to say it, but I doubt he could be anywhere near that strong now.”

He heard Cole’s breath catch. “Y-you’ve gotta be kidding.” He sounded nauseous.

“That’s exactly why we need to get in there.”

Cole sighed. But a few seconds later, Kai saw his hand grip the handle. “Okay. Okay fine. Stand back.”

Kai nodded and did as he was told.

Taking the handle with both hands, Cole wrenched it down, breaking the lock like it was nothing. The door creaked open when he let go of it, and the music nearly deafened them. Kai rushed through the door, standing next to Cole and peering into the semi-dark room. At first he couldn’t see anything it was so dark, because he’d just been in the hall, where the natural light came in through floor-to-ceiling windows and reflected off the metal walls. Then his eyes adjusted to the dim light of the burning-out desk lamp in the far corner of the room. “Jay?” There was no response anywhere. Kai glanced at Cole, who had his eyes shut. “I don’t see him. Help me find him.”

Cole opened his eyes slowly. “What if he’s not here?”

“Where else would he be?”

They took a few cautious steps into the room. Still no movement. Cole groaned loudly and stomped over to the speakers on Jay’s desk that were hooked up to a fancy-looking music playing gizmo. It looked like he’d built it himself. Cole picked it up gently and looked all around it, then looked at Kai. “How do you shut this thing off?”

Kai shrugged, walked over, and plucked it from Cole’s hands. “I think you just…unplug it?”

Cole eventually found the place where the gizmo was hooked up to the speakers and pulled them apart as gently as he could. Instantly the music stopped, and there was uncomfortable silence. Once again, Kai was able to hear his own nervous breathing, now joined by Cole’s slow breaths that were relaxing now with the heavy music shut off. And then he heard a third breathing pattern, even more ragged than his own had been, and slower than Cole’s.

The lights turned on, and Kai looked over to the doorway to see that Cole had silently gone to the main light switch. Brightness flooded into the room and suddenly everything was visible, almost unbearably. Their eyes adjusted again, and fell on the only spot of blue in the room. Jay was asleep on the floor, curled up within his loose-fitting uniform.

“You weren’t kidding,” Cole said, sounding sick to his stomach. “This is my fault.”

“No, it’s not. This isn’t anyone’s fault,” Kai said, unable to tear himself away from Jay’s face. He still looked worried and confused and angry all at once, even in sleep. “Anyway, that’s not what’s important. We need to help him now.”

Cole shook his head. “I can’t. Kai, I can’t do it. I don’t want to see him like this. I opened the damn door, I’m finished. Please don’t make me stay.”

Kai knelt to the ground and scooped Jay up into his arms. “If you leave, what does that say about you as his friend? He needs you.”

“I’m sorry, Kai. I can’t do this.” Then he was gone, and Kai was alone once more. Alone with himself and his worried breathing, and with a very cold and tiny Jay asleep in his arms. Wake up, eat, wander, eat, wander, eat, sleep, wake up, Nya, wander, eat, sleep, wander, door, empty, wake up, Pixal, wander, door, locked, wander, cold, snow, statue, falcon, wander, eat, sleep, wake up, Nya, door, wander, eat, wander, Pixal, statue, wander, snow, eat, door, locked, music, Jay. Stop. No more wandering.

 

His eyelids were heavy and hard to move. But he was awake. He had to open his eyes. He could do it, he knew, if he just tried hard enough.

But why try? Everything was gone. One of his closest friends, his girlfriend, the guy she chose who had been his best friend in the whole world. Why open his eyes when he would only wake to loneliness and darkness?

Wait…was this it then? Was darkness all he would ever know now? Had he retreated that far?

He hadn’t eaten in…it was too long ago to remember. Everything was a blur. Everything was the darkness of his room except for his lamp, but even that was dying out, only holding on because of the electricity he fed it. But as he grew weaker, so did the lamp. There was darkness now. Everything was darkness. Had the lamp finally died? Then this was it. Now everything would always be darkness.

Everything was darkness. And he figured he was okay with that.

Then there was pain, and everything was pain. Pain so strong that the darkness no longer mattered. His empty world was filled with it, the bright red light that glowed all around him and hurt him and his eyes and his lungs and everything else. And when he sucked in an urgent breath all he felt was the redness of the pain that felt like a million knives tearing him apart from the inside.

And there was noise. Noise that surrounded him, drowned out his thoughts, that filled his head so far that he thought he might burst. Noise that called his name.

Wait.

Someone was calling his name.

The noise had a pattern, it was logical, it was melodic. It was a familiar voice calling his name. The redness and the pain and the knives in his chest were still there, but somehow the voice had captured his attention. It gave him strength. It told him that if he did try, if he did want to open his eyes, there would not be darkness, there would not be loneliness. If he tried and he woke up, there would be someone waiting for him. He would not be alone.

So he tried.

He gathered all of strength.

And he woke up.

 

Kai kept running his fingers through Jay’s messy hair. “Jay, come on. Please wake up. Please wake up, Jay. I can’t take care of you if you don’t wake up. You’ll have to do it eventually. Come on.”

Jay stirred. His hands tightened into fists, he took a deep breath in, and at long last he opened his eyes.

“Jay! You’re awake!”

 

Everything was pain again. He breathed out a long sigh, but it came out as a painful cough instead. There was light everywhere, bright white light that felt like it was blinding him. It hurt to move, and his stomach felt like a black hole inside him, screaming at him in hunger. And when it screamed, so did he. Or at least it felt like it. What he heard come out of his mouth was a rasp almost like the Overlord’s. With great difficulty and more pain, he cleared his throat and tried again. But by then the scream was gone. Everything was pain, but he was too tired to do anything about it.

His eyes began to adjust, and he saw a shadow looming over him. As things began to come into focus and as his mind balanced out the differences between the white of the lights and the different colors all around him, he recognized a face on the shadow, framed by that unmistakable spiked up hair.

“Kai?”

He felt himself being pulled up into a tight embrace. “You’re okay. You’re okay,” Kai whispered. “You’re awake. You’re okay. Everything’s going to be alright.”

Everything was light and everything was pain.

But…he wasn’t alone anymore. Kai was here.

And Kai said everything was going to be alright.

So…everything was not always going to be light? Everything would not always be pain?

Well, at least everything would not always be darkness. Everything would not always be loneliness.

No.

Jay lifted his arms, ignoring the pain, and held tightly onto Kai.

He was not alone.

And if he was not alone, everything would not be loneliness.

There was light.

And if there was light, everything would not be darkness.

But even lights eventually fade, burn out.

So there would not always be light.

But he would not die with the light. Not now. Not today. Everything was pain now, yes. But he would carry on. He could ignore the pain. He could fight through it. And he would. He was not alone. He did not have to fight alone.

So everything would not always be pain.

“Jay, I was so worried about you.”

“Kai?”

“Yeah, Jay. It’s me. I’m here. Everything’s going to be alright.”

“Don’t leave me. Please. I don’t want to be alone anymore.”

Kai sighed, a smile growing on his face. “I’ll never leave you.”

Jay nodded. He was not alone.

He would not have to fight the pain alone.

So…Kai was right?

“I promise, Jay. Everything’s going to be alright.”

He knew.

Everything would be alright.

 


	2. Chapter 2

_ Everything was darkness. _

_ Everything was pain. _

_ But he was used to it now. _

_ He had become numb to the constant pain. _

_ It still hurt, but he hardly noticed it anymore. _

_ He was used to the loneliness, the emptiness, _

_ the silence. _

 

_ Sometimes it would be broken. _

_ Sometimes he would be joined by a beautiful blue light, like a star that pierced the redness of the pain and the darkness of his lonely world. _

_ It would be accompanied by the sound of a beating heart, energy flowing through a living soul. _

_ At first it hurt because he was so used to the silence. _

_ But then he loved it. _

_ He cherished it as long as it lasted. _

_ He would hear a familiar voice. _

_ He wished he could hear it more often. He loved that voice. _

_ The voice would tell him things. It would say to carry on. It told him that it came from a world beyond his, and that there was nothing for him in that world. He wanted to believe the voice, but sometimes it was just so hard. _

_ The blue light and the pulsing heart and the comforting voice would fill his world, and he loved every minute. _

_ And then it would leave him. _

_ All at once, he would be alone again. _

 

_ Everything was darkness. _

_ Everything was pain. _

_ Everything was loneliness. _

_ Everything was silence. _

 

_ “Please don’t leave me. _

_ I don’t want to be alone again. _

_ Please. _

_ Stay with me. _

_ Zane.” _

 

“Jay, wake up.”

With a sharp breath in, his eyes snapped open. He blinked a few times before his eyes adjusted to the brightness all around him. Before he could process anything about where he was, he began moving his arms about, hoping to feel something, anything, near him. All he felt were soft blankets until something caught one of his hands.

“It’s okay. You were having a nightmare.”

Jay turned his head to look at his hand, and saw someone else’s hand holding it. He followed the other person’s arm up to find their face. He breathed a relieved sigh when he saw who it was. “You’re still here?”

“I promised I wouldn’t leave your side,” Kai said, not letting go as he moved the chair he was sitting on closer to Jay’s bed. “And I’m not about to break that promise. You’ve had too many nightmares. I’m worried for you.”

“Don’t be. I’m fine, really.”

It had been a long time since Kai had somehow broken into his room to find him asleep on the floor, and longer still since the last time they had seen the Overlord.

All they could hope was that the monster wouldn’t come back again. It had been sad after Lloyd defeated him the first time, knowing that there was suddenly a lack of bad guys to fight, and they had all been a little too excited to see the Overlord again because it meant finally throwing away their teaching jobs and being ninjas again.

But things had gotten out of hand fast. The Overlord had gotten stronger as a computer virus, and there was no escape from it this time around. It had gotten smarter for sure, and built an army that even the ninja could never beat. They hadn’t won a single battle, thinking back. And then the evil robot army had taken what was left of the golden weapons, giving the Overlord physical form again. Not a dragon this time, something more like a giant spider guarded by its unbeatable army and hiding behind the golden armor. The only way to defeat it was with sacrifice, and Zane had been brave enough to give his life.

It didn’t seem that long ago, but it had been months. Jay remembered green leaves, even flowers on the trees during the funeral. Now there was snow everywhere, and ice on the sidewalks and frost on the trees. It was hard to go outside anymore it was so cold, especially with Kai next to him every second of the day. Jay regretted asking him not to leave his side.

“Are you sure?”

“ _ Yes. _ ”

Kai let go. “Sorry. I’m just really worried about you, that’s all.”

Oh no. Now he was guilty. Jay sighed. Why did feelings have to be so complicated? “No, don’t be sorry. Don’t be sorry and don’t be worried, okay?” He pushed himself up from the bed, trying to sit up without making himself dizzy. Everything made him dizzy these days. “I’m just gonna eat something and go outside. And don’t follow me, okay? Please, I just want to be alone for a while.” Even after that dream, he thought to himself. He had begged Zane not to leave him because he didn’t want to be alone. But now that he was awake, it was all he wanted. He hoped he wouldn’t run into anyone in the halls of the tower.

“Yeah,” Kai said softly, not moving as Jay sat up. “Okay. Remember to bring a jacket. I don’t want you catching cold.” He got up and kept his eyes on his feet as he slowly left the room.

“Believe me, I don’t want to catch a cold either,” Jay muttered when he saw Kai leave the door cracked open.

Slowly but surely, he got on his feet and stood there for a few seconds, getting his bearings as well as his balance. At once he recognized the cool futuristic blue lines he had painted onto the white walls of his room. He was surprised that he hadn’t noticed them and comprehended them earlier. He was so dizzy.

_ Everything was spinning. _

No.

_ Everything was brightness. _

No. Stop.

_ Nothing made sense. _

Stop!

Silence.

Jay sighed. At least Kai only knew about the nightmares Jay had when he was asleep. He only knew half of what really happened, and Jay was okay with that. Kai did enough worrying as it was.

Okay, now that the whispering voices were gone, he could go back to whatever it was he was doing. That’s right, he had just remembered that he was in his own room. The spinning was slowing down. It was about as slow as it was going to get, actually.

Carefully, Jay began to take a step forward. He lost balance at once and used the chair that Kai had left by his bed to steady himself. Maybe he did need help.

No, no, he could do this, and he could do it on his own. He didn’t need anyone’s help.

He was steady again, and the spinning didn’t speed up all that much. He could still comprehend things, sort of. Time for another step. This time he kept his balance, but that might have been because he had always balanced better on his left foot than his right. Another step. No loss of balance. He had even let go of the chair. That’s right. He could do this, and he could do it on his own.

 

He was used to walking by the time he’d gotten to the first corner of the hall, but things were spinning again and he had to steady himself on the wall before he kept going. Luckily he still remembered his way around this place. Or so he thought. Before long, he’d gotten lost.

“Shit,” he muttered to himself.

Now, of all times to get lost. A little voice in his head, not the whispers but his conscience, told him that if he hadn’t told Kai to go away, he wouldn’t be stuck in this dead end right now. But he wanted to be alone, and the last thing he wanted was to admit that he was lost. At the same time he wished someone would come along and help him. Just a little bit.

“Jay?”

Oh come on. He hadn’t even been lost for a whole minute. Couldn’t he go anywhere in this tower without someone always being just around the corner? He spun around, not thinking about who the voice might have belonged to. “I don’t need help, I’m perfectly fine.”

Then he saw who it was and he had no choice but to recognize her.

Nya.

“Oh…” his voice trailed away.

She gave him a halfhearted smile. She was trying to be genuine, he could tell. It just wasn’t really working. “It’s nice to see you out of your room.”

“Yeah,” he said with a nervous laugh.

“You’re lost, aren’t you?”

He tried to say no, he wanted to say no. He wanted to tell her again that he didn’t need help. But there was something about the look she was giving him. It was more of a statement than a question. She knew, she just wanted him to admit it. He opened his mouth to say no, but he knew she would ask again if he lied. She already knew. They had both always known. They could tell just by looking at each other what the other person was thinking. It made him feel sick just thinking about it.

“Yeah.” It came out as a whisper.

She reached for his hand but he pulled back.

“But I don’t need help. Especially not  _ your _ help.”

She retracted. “You need  _ someone’s _ help, Jay. I know you don’t want to admit it.”

“No, I really don’t need anyone’s help. At all.”

“Then I guess you just don’t know it. I’m not going to leave you here. You’ll never get anywhere if you’re walking in circles in this dead end hallway.” She reached for him again, his arm this time, and moved closer when he tried to pull away. She gripped his arm and pulled him along until they found the kitchen. “Here you go. Have fun.”

He groaned softly. She always knew. He didn’t even remember giving her any clues that he was hungry. She just already knew. And he hated it.

 

Of all things to forget. Gloves. Why did he forget gloves? Normally, Jay would grumble to himself and hope that his pockets would suffice. But not now. Instead he kept his hand pressed against the titanium statue and watched as his fingers slowly turned blue. Here he was alone, but he didn’t feel the emptiness and the silence and the loneliness here that he felt in his nightmares.

Maybe it was the falcon. It didn’t even seem like it was operational anymore. It was covered in as much snow as the statue, and it hadn’t moved from that position since the funeral.

And the statue itself. It looked like Zane, but at the same time it didn’t. There was no color, it was giant, and it had no face. Zane hadn’t been the most expressive, but this face without lines was even more empty and blank than he thought was even possible. And yet he didn’t feel alone anymore.

“I really wish you were here, Zane. I mean I know you’re here. Kind of. But you’re not. That didn’t make sense. Ugh.” He leaned against the statue, resting his forehead on the freezing metal. “You know what I mean. Probably. Probably not. Ah, who am I kidding? I don’t even know what I mean. Which is a problem because I’m the only one listening. You’re not even alive. You can’t hear this. I’m not even talking to you, I’m just talking to myself. I’m an idiot.”

He sighed and watched a little cloud form as the air passed his lips.

“But I still wish you were here, for real. Next to me. Telling me how stupid I am and stuff. Because I am. I’m really stupid. But I don’t want to be the only person who says it. Nya says it with her eyes, the way she looks at me. She thinks I’m a complete numbskull and she’s not even trying to tell herself otherwise anymore. She’s had that look since we went to Borg Industries that one day. That machine made her realize how stupid I really am. That’s why she chose Cole, isn’t it?” He paused.

There was silence, but it wasn’t empty. He couldn’t hear it, but he could feel the snowflakes drifting lazily down to land on the statue and the falcon and the trees and the ground and himself.

“Kai doesn’t think it. Or maybe he does. Maybe he thinks I’m an idiot who can’t take care of himself. He sees me as a helpless, frail…child.” He felt himself getting angry, and closed his eyes and just took in the coldness that surrounded him.

When he opened his eyes again, still laying his head and his hand against the statue, the world was spinning around him. No, no, no. Calm down. It began to slow, and soon all he felt was a burning headache that was only battling the frigid metal he was leaning on.

“I don’t see Cole at all anymore. I haven’t seen him since the funeral. I think he’s avoiding me. Then again I’ve only come out of my room like once or twice. This is probably like the third time. Maybe. I’m avoiding him, I know that. I don’t want to talk to him. I don’t want to even see him. It’s not that I hate him or anything. Well I kind of do. But that’s not why I’m avoiding him. I’m afraid that he hates me. I’m afraid that he’ll get mad at me or something. I don’t know why, but I can’t get the thought out of my head. And Pixal. She doesn’t say anything to me. That’s okay with me though. Every time I see her I think of you and I get all sad and stuff. Then Kai freaks out and thinks something’s wrong. He’s always following me. I’m pretty sure he somehow managed to follow me here. But I don’t care anymore. I just want you back.”

He lifted his head away from the statue, his head starting to spin again. But his hand never moved. He could swear it was starting to turn blue. “Nice talk. Good seeing you.” Finally he peeled his hand away. It hurt like hell. “I miss you. A lot.” He folded his freezing hand inside his jacket and began walking away, taking each step slowly and painfully like he was walking on broken glass.

 

Kai was waiting for him at the door of the tower. “Where’ve you been?” He rushed forward and wrapped Jay into a warm hug. Jay felt the stinging numbness all over his body that came from being exposed to sudden warmth after being outside in the snow for a long time. He realized it was also the same feeling he experienced in his dreams when he had been in the dark redness of pain for so long and the glowing blue light suddenly appeared. He shuddered when he remembered it. No, not now.

“Outside,” Jay said. It was the truth, but not the whole truth. He didn’t want Kai knowing.

“You’re freezing.” Kai didn’t let go. Instead, it felt like he was getting warmer. “You were out for so long. Where did you go?”

Jay paused. He tried to make it seem like he was just taking in Kai’s warmth. “I’m sorry. I was just…wandering I guess.” Yeah, that sounded believable.

“You’re back now,” Kai said after what seemed like minutes. “Feeling better?”

“I was fine before.”

“Are you warm now?”

Jay closed his eyes. “Yeah. Almost a little too warm, Kai. Please let go.”

Kai sighed, but he loosened his embrace and Jay pushed himself away. “I was just—”

“Worried, I know. You always are.”

 

He remembered the way back to his room. At least one good thing came from today. Finally, he took off his jacket and pulled out his freezing hand. Well, at least it wasn’t blue anymore. But it was totally numb. He couldn’t feel a thing.

“Shit,” he muttered again.

Unsure of what to do next, Jay sat on his unmade bed and held his hand in his lap, staring at it as if that would help it thaw out.

It took hours, but eventually he could feel again with his hand, and he could move his fingers without feeling like they were on fire. He locked the door, with a fixed lock that he’d made himself. At once he sat at his desk, turned on the lamp that he had finally replaced the bulb for. And he got to work.

Blueprints swam in and out of his memory, both of his hands were covered in pencil lead, his desk was buried in a horrific combination of crumpled up torn up papers and the little bits that fall off the eraser when it gets used. He heard knocks at the door every so often, but he learned to ignore it. He felt bags under his eyes and realized that he had probably been awake for days. His stomach screamed at him because all he’d consumed since locking himself away were energy drinks from his stash in the mini fridge he kept in his room. But he couldn’t stop. Not now. Not ever. Not until he was done. Not until Zane came back.

And then everything was darkness.

 

_ Everything was darkness. _

_ Everything was pain. _

No. No, no! Stop!

_ Everything was loneliness. _

_ Everything was silence. _

Please. Leave me alone.

_ Everything was alone. _

Please.

_ Everything was emptiness. _

No. No…

_ Everything was darkness. _

No……….

_ Everything was comfort. _

_ He was numb. _

_ Or he was gone. _

_ Or he was somewhere between life and death. _

_ He was beyond pain. _

_ Everything was darkness. _

_ Everything was comfort. _

_ Everything was loneliness. _

_ Everything was silence. _

_ Everything was empty. _

_ His world was empty once more. _

 

_ Welcome back, Jay. _

_ We begin again. _

 


	3. Chapter 3

_“This is my fault.”_

_“This isn’t anyone’s fault. Anyway, that’s not what’s important. We need to help him now.”_

_“I can’t. I don’t want to see him like this. Please don’t make me stay.”_

_“If you leave now, he’ll always be mad at you.”_

_“I know.”_

 

There he was, just like always. It didn’t matter what day it was, or even what time of day. Without fail, Kai was sitting in the hallway across from Jay’s door. Worried for them both, Cole had moved all his things again, this time daring to occupy the room next door to Jay’s. He saw Kai every morning when he left, and every night when he came back. But Kai kept his eyes on the always closed door.

One morning Cole broke the silence. Still in his pajamas, he leaned against the wall and slid down to sit next to Kai. “Wanna come down and eat something?”

“Not right now,” Kai said.

Cole sighed quietly. “How long has it been since you ate? Or slept for that matter. You’ve got some pretty dark shadows under your eyes.”

“I’m not sure.” He didn’t take his eyes off the door.

There was silence for a few minutes. Or a few seconds. Time was a strange thing here. It didn’t seem like anyone paid attention to it. “Okay, that’s it,” Cole said at long last, getting up again. “I’m not letting you slip away too. Come on.” He grabbed Kai by the arm and pulled him up.

“Hey! Let go!”

“Nope. We’re getting some breakfast,” Cole said as he dragged Kai behind him.

“No way, I’m not eating your food!”

“I don’t care what you eat, okay? You’re eating something.”

“But…”

“Kai, his door is locked. Staring at it won’t help. Trust me.”

 

One problem down, who knew how many to go. But at least Kai was now using his spoon to turn his cereal and milk into a whirlpool in his bowl. He’d eaten a few spoonfuls and that was enough for now.

“I’m just glad you got him out of the hallway,” Nya whispered.

Cole nodded. They were standing near the doorway, leaning against the wall. “I feel like all of this is my fault. I just don’t want to lose anyone else because I couldn’t be there for them.” He closed his eyes and hung his head.

“Don’t say that. This isn’t your fault. Just because you’re physically strong doesn’t mean you’ll always be emotionally strong.” He felt her wrap her arms around him, then he felt her head laying on his chest. “No one is perfect, and none of us have been stable since then. I know you’re the leader and all, but it’s okay to be upset and it’s okay to want to be alone for a while. But if you keep pretending to be strong like this you’ll only hurt yourself. That’s what they’re doing.”

She was right. Jay and Kai had both isolated themselves because they didn’t want anyone thinking they were weak. And Cole realized that he was doing the same thing, just in a different way. He couldn’t let that happen.

“See? You’re still thinking it.”

“What? No I’m not. Why do you think—”

“You don’t want to let them slip. You think it’s your responsibility, that you have to be strong for them.”

Cole opened his eyes and looked down at her. How did she just know what he was thinking?

“Feeling this way isn’t weakness, though. It’s human.”

“But I have to help them.”

“Do you think someone needs to help you?”

The question took him aback. Why would anyone need to help him? He didn’t need help.

“That’s how they feel.”

Was she telepathic or something?

“You need someone’s help just like they do, Cole. It doesn’t have to be anything much. Just a little push sometimes, like you helping Kai get out of the hallway to eat, or even just talking to someone. You can always come talk to me, okay? You can talk to me about anything.”

He closed his eyes again. “Okay. But not now. I have something else I need to take care of first.”

Nya was right, he could bear to admit it now that he had said it over and over again to himself. He was as out of his element as anyone else, he wasn’t as strong emotionally as he thought he was.

But he still had his physical strength. With one jerk on the handle, the lock broke again and the door creaked open.

There was silence and darkness inside. No blaring music, no dim light from the desk lamp. He flipped the switch to the main lights so he wouldn’t bump into things as he stepped into the room.

Cole didn’t know what he had expected, but this wasn’t quite it. Maybe it was because this time Jay hadn’t been locked away as long as before, but he was at least glad that Jay wasn’t laying on the floor. Instead he was still sitting in his favorite spinning chair, leaning over the desk, his head resting in his arms. He was asleep.

All Cole could think of was his conversation with Kai last time he had even seen this room. It was the last thing he wanted to remember. Jay curled up on the floor, practically using his uniform as a blanket because it was too big for him. He shook the image out of his head. At least Jay wasn’t that far gone this time. But Cole still couldn’t bring himself to take another step into the room. He was afraid.

Before long, he found himself back in his own room next door.

“Come on. Get yourself together,” he said to himself, pacing back and forth. “He needs you.” Then he paused. “You need him.”

That was why he was so obsessed with helping everyone. He would have nothing without them. Sure, he was the first to have been recruited by Sensei Wu so long ago, but they were a team, and they all relied on each other. They kept each other in balance, so that there was just the right amount of everything, they covered each other’s weaknesses because no one had the same strengths as anyone else. They all needed each other. He needed them just as much as they needed him.

He pulled the softest blanket he could find out of his closet and attempted to loosely fold it up in his arms. Trying not to think too much about what he was about to do, he carried it into Jay’s room and stopped in the doorway. _He needs you_ , Cole kept thinking. _He needs you but you need him too. It doesn’t matter if he gets mad at you. Just do it._

 

_Wake up._

Not yet. …Five more minutes?

_Hilarious._

Aw, come on. You’re no fun.

_Neither is being asleep like this. You can wake up, I know it._

Why do you have to be so serious? I was finally getting used to this nightmare again.

_We all escape our nightmares. It just takes time. This is your time._

I don’t want to leave. Believe it or not, I like it here.

_Because you’re alone._

Was that supposed to be a question? It didn’t sound like one.

_You are afraid that when you wake up you will not be alone?_

…Yeah. And what do you mean “when”? I’m not waking up. Never again. You can’t make me. I don’t want to wake up.

_You would rather die than have company?_

Well yeah. The only company I want is yours. I only see you here, in my nightmares.

_The others care about you, Jay. They need you._

No they don’t. I don’t mean anything to them.

_Of course you do. Imagine how they would feel if they lost you too._

…

_They have already lost me. I know you feel lost and empty and alone._

No you don’t. You have no idea how I feel! You’re dead! You’ve never gone through losing a brother! You’re the one who died! How could you know how I feel?

_You know who I really am._

Zane….

_No._

You sound like Zane. You talk like him.

_You know, Jay. You know who I am._

I’m not insane. This can’t just all be in my head. I’m not that far gone. No!

_You’re not insane. Your brain is just finding a way to deal with the stress._

Shut up. I don’t want to hear you anymore. I’m so tired of talking to myself. Just leave me alone. I don’t care who you sound like. You’re not Zane. I don’t want you here. Go away!

_Wake up._

No! Just leave me alone! Let me finally hear silence! I want to be alone! I don’t need help! I don’t want you here! I don’t want anyone here! I just want to be alone….

_Wake up, Jay._

_Wake up._

_I know you can._

_They need you._

Wake up….

 

Jay felt his eyes burning as they were exposed to the light. He groaned quietly. “No,” he said in a whisper, unable to find his voice. “Not again.” He didn’t want to wake up. Not this time.

The main lights were on in his room. He didn’t remember turning them on. Someone had broken in again. But how did they break his lock? He’d made it himself. That thing was foolproof.

His dizziness was starting to slow down, and he could start to comprehend what he was feeling. He was curled up, his head resting on someone’s shoulder, and that someone was holding him close.

“Cole.” No one else could break that lock.

He lifted his head slowly and looked up just a little. Yeah, that was definitely Cole.

Then he realized where they were. Cole was sitting on Jay’s bed, leaning against the wall, asleep with Jay curled up in his arms. He had carried him here from his desk. But why? This meant…he actually cared?

Jay started getting dizzy again, and he laid his head back down on Cole’s shoulder. Now wasn’t the time to try to think about this. His head was throbbing and burning and his whole body was tensing up because of the pain. All he could think was that Cole was really muscular, everywhere. But that didn’t really come as a surprise. It was just the only thing in his mind that made any sense. Everything else was spinning around at a million miles an hour, too fast for him to process, only making the throbbing worse. The light wasn’t helping.

“Come on. Control. Keep yourself under control.”

He closed his eyes, trying to ignore everything else. It was hard, but when he forced himself to remember all of his favorite feelings, taking flight, the first big drop on a rollercoaster, the heartwarming realization that things were working out as planned; when he thought hard enough and felt those memories, he found himself in control. A thin bolt of blue electricity shot out of his hand with a zap and hit the light switch. The room was instantly thrown into darkness.

Everything was pain again now that he didn’t have to think about all the good feelings. But at least it wasn’t as painful as before now that they were surrounded by darkness.

But the noise from his lightning had startled Cole awake.

“Jay?”

“Yeah.” Still a whisper. He had control over his powers but not his voice. He figured that was for the best around Cole, who still made jokes about that one time he’d hit Jay hard enough to make him lose his voice.

“You turned the lights off?”

“They hurt my head. Sorry.”

“It’s okay. Don’t worry about it.”

Silence. Cole seemed to try to shift around, but didn’t end up moving much because he still held Jay in his arms.

“H-how are you feeling?”

Jay took a deep breath. It was painful but at the same time it felt good. “My head feels like it’s on fire, and I can’t seem to find my voice. And I’m hungry. But otherwise I guess I’m fine.”

Cole nodded a little. He was practically laying his head on Jay’s. To be honest, it was kind of helping to lessen his headache. “Do you want me to get you some food?”

Jay found himself smiling. “Normally I’d say I’d rather starve than try to keep your handiwork down. But…I’m already starving as it is. I could probably eat anything.”

“Well maybe my cooking isn’t the best for you right now.” It sounded like Cole was smiling too.

This was weird. Sure, it felt good talking to someone other than himself. But of all people to be talking to, _Cole_? Why Cole? Why was he even here?

“And I’m afraid of leaving you alone in here.”

“Why?” Jay asked.

“Because I don’t want you locking yourself away again. You’ve done it twice. I’m sick of breaking locks just to make sure I don’t lose you.”

So Cole had broken the first lock too. But Jay didn’t remember seeing him when he woke up. It was just Kai. “You weren’t there the first time.”

“I was scared.”

“Of me?”

“Of seeing you that way. You’d fallen to pieces. I was scared that we’d lost you.” Was he…crying? It sounded like he was forcing his voice past a lump in his throat. “I couldn’t stand thinking about it. I had to leave after breaking the lock. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I should have been there for you. It’s my job.”

This felt so wrong. He had never thought Cole was even capable of these kind of emotions. Fear? Regret?

Jay didn’t know how to respond. “Don’t talk like that,” he said without thinking. “You were there. Without you, Kai wouldn’t have been able to come in. You did help.”

Cole lifted one hand, probably to wipe a tear away. “I’m glad you turned the lights off. This is so stupid, I shouldn’t be this emotional.”

“You’re allowed to be emotional. It’s normal. In fact, I’d probably be more confused if you weren’t. I would be worried for you.”

“Why would you worry about me? You don’t even like me.”

“I was wondering the same thing. Why _you_ would worry about _me_ , I mean.”

Silence.

“You’re my best friend, Jay. I’ve lost Zane, I can’t lose you. I know you probably want to be alone. I know you got mad at Kai because you didn’t want his help, and you probably don’t want mine either. But that’s not why I’m here.”

“Why?”

“I’m here because _I_ need _you_.”

How was he supposed to respond to that? It was the last thing he’d expected Cole to say. Why would anyone need him?

“No you don’t,” he denied. “No one needs me.”

“We’re a team, Jay.”

“Yeah, like I haven’t heard that from you before.”

“I don’t mean it like that. We rely on each other, all of us. Our strengths cover each other’s weaknesses.”

“We’re not a team without him.”

Cole paused. “Is that what all those blueprints are for, then?”

Jay tensed up. “You looked at them?”

“Just glanced.”

“The blueprints weren’t on top. You looked through my stuff.”

“Why does it matter? If you do it, everyone has to know. Everyone’s going to know.”

“And if I do it wrong they’ll get their hopes up for nothing. Besides, all that I’ve got already has been done for a really long time. Probably. I don’t know how time works anymore, it’s confusing. It just makes things more complicated. But everything on the blueprints was easy to figure out.”

“So what’s holding you back?”

“His heart. I’ve tried everything.” Without meaning to, he grasped his shirt tightly over his own heart.

Cole’s hand rested on his, and Jay loosened his grip. Then he felt the rest of his body relax. The burning throbbing in his head even relaxed a little bit. “Just keep trying. You can do it. You’re smart.”

Jay wanted to say that he just couldn’t figure it out, it was too hard. But he felt too tired and dizzy to talk. With his headache beginning to fade, he was exhausted. He opened his mouth to respond, but all he could do was breathe, trying to keep it slow and controlled.

“I believe in you.” Cole wrapped his fingers around Jay’s hand.

“Thanks, Cole,” Jay said, somewhere below a whisper.

For a long time they sat there together in the darkness. They fed off each other’s body heat until they saw stars fade into the dark sky outside, then disappear behind a cloud. Snow began to pile up on the windowsill. Jay shivered, and Cole let go of his hand.

“Are you cold? No wait, don’t answer that. Do you want a blanket?”

Almost before Jay could nod, he felt a fluffy warm blanket being pulled over him. He grabbed it and tucked it under his chin, then let his head fall back on Cole’s shoulder.

“Why did you look through the stuff on my desk?”

“I saw blueprints. I was curious, I guess. I think I just wanted to know what was so important that you locked yourself in here and starved yourself.”

“I had energy drinks.”

“That’s not food, Jay. You know what? We’ve been here for a while, and I’m hungry too. Let’s go get some food.”

Without waiting for an answer, Cole got up with Jay still in his arms.

“Hey! Put me down! I don’t want to leave!”

“And you’re gonna stop me?”

Jay started to answer, but closed his mouth and instead let out a little “Hmph,” and held his arms tightly around Cole’s shoulders.

 

The kitchen was dark and empty until Cole turned the lights on. Outside the giant windows, snow was piling up on the ground in the darkness.

“I don’t like winter,” Jay said in a whisper, leaning heavily on the countertop. Cole had sat him in one of the bar chairs rather than at the table because it was closer. “Why doesn’t it just end already?”

Cole glanced out the window. “I think it’s supposed to end soon. I don’t know for sure, though. I don’t think anyone has been paying attention to time at all since…since the funeral.”

“I guess we’ll know it’s spring when it stops snowing.” Jay crossed his arms on the table and rested his head on them, facing away from the window. “I hate the snow.”

“You used to love it.”

“That was before all this happened.”

Cole sighed. “Yeah. You’re right. Here, I know you guys don’t like my cooking, so I got out all the cereal. I did the same for Kai earlier, actually,” he said with a quiet laugh. “Look, I even found you some Lucky Charms. I know they’re your favorite.”

“I don’t want any Lucky Charms.”

Cole slammed the Lucky Charms down onto the counter anyway, nearly bursting the box open and startling Jay into lifting his head. At least he remembered his super strength before he made a dent in the countertop. “Eat the damn cereal, Jay. You need to. I don’t care what you eat, you just need to eat something.”

Jay was silent, staring as if he wanted to say something, but was afraid to.

“Sorry,” Cole muttered. “You’re just…seeing you like this…it scares me.” He leaned his back against the counter, crossing his arms over his chest. “I feel like it’s my fault, and that it’s my responsibility to get you back to normal. But you never will get back to normal, will you? There’s no way to make up for what happened.”

Jay said nothing.

“I just want to help. That’s all. That’s basically my job here.”

Still completely silent, Jay took the cereal box. The only sound was the cereal bouncing off the inside of the bowl. It made Cole uncomfortable how silent Jay could be when he wanted to.

Jay bit his lip, closing the box and putting it back down on the counter without making a single noise. Somehow Cole knew what he was trying to get across.

“It wasn’t up to either of us to make that decision, Jay. It was up to her. Can’t we just put the past behind us? What’s it that Sensei always says?”

Silence.

“Wasn’t it something like, the past is in the past or something like that?”

Nothing.

“Jay, there’s nothing I could have done.”

“You could have stayed out of it in the first place.”

“I could have—no! That stupid machine Nya found in this building when we first showed up here, that’s what put me in the middle of it!”

“Why would it show her your face if you didn’t already have a thing for her?”

“Why didn’t it show her _your_ face if you were her boyfriend?”

Jay closed his mouth. He bit his lip again and looked down, his face turning red.

Oh no. “Jay, I didn’t mean—”

“Yes you did. Don’t say you didn’t. You’re right. It wasn’t our decision, it was always hers. She always had her mind made up, before that machine even came into the picture.” He paused, running his fingers through his hair and ignoring the tears at the edges of his eyes. Cole desperately wished he could wipe them away. “Nya never wanted me, she just didn’t have the heart to say anything.”

Jay sat there for a moment before suddenly becoming angry and pushing his chair away from the counter so hard that he accidentally knocked over his previously untouched bowl of cereal. Then he ran, and in less than a second he was out of the kitchen and around the corner. His light footsteps began to fade away until there was no sound left, and Cole was alone.

 

_Not again._

Yes again. Deal with it.

_Why don’t you just try to spend time with people?_

Why don’t you just go away? I never asked for you to talk to me.

_You need someone to talk to._

Not you. You don’t help. No one helps.

_Cole tried to help. Kai tried to help. Nya wants to help, but you won’t let her._

I don’t want their help. I don’t want your help. I just want to be alone. Why doesn’t anyone understand that?

_I understand._

Then leave me alone!

_Being alone is what you want, not what you need._

I wonder if there’s some way I can get rid of you. I hate you. I hate them.

I hate winter I hate snow I hate robots!

_You’re just saying that._

No. No I’m not.

_You enjoy my company._

Stop! No I don’t! I want you to go away!

_You know you need me._

I don’t! I need to be alone! Why won’t you leave me alone?

I just want to think!

_You are._

_I am your thoughts. I thought we’d been over this._

No, no, no! This so wrong! I’m not supposed to argue with myself like this! I just want silence! I want to be alone, I want the darkness!

_You want death?_

…

Anything is better than listening to you all the time.

_They don’t want you dead, Jay._

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I’ve heard this before. I need them, right?

_They need you._

_They need you, Jay._

_They need you._

They need me.

_They need us._

_Wake up, Jay._

_They need us._

 


	4. Chapter 4

_“What’s going to happen now?”_

_“I don’t know.”_

_“And I don’t care. Today’s about Zane.”_

_“Jay? It’s nice to see you out of your room.”_

_“Yeah.”_

_“You’re lost, aren’t you?”_

_“Yeah. But I don’t need help. Especially not_ **_your_ ** _help.”_

_“You need someone’s help, Jay. I know you don’t want to admit it.”_

_“No, really I don’t need anyone’s help. At all.”_

_“Then I guess you just don’t know it.”_

_“I feel like this is all my fault.”_

_“Don’t say that. This isn’t your fault. Feeling this way isn’t weakness, Cole. It’s human.”_

_“But I have to help them.”_

_“You need someone’s help just like they do. You can always come talk to me, okay? You can talk to me about anything.”_

_“Okay. But not now.”_

 

After the funeral, Nya often found herself looking for people, craving social interaction in any way she could get it. She got nervous when she went too long without talking to someone. It was like the tower’s emptiness was closing in on her and making her jittery.

For the first few weeks, the kitchen was the best place to hang around. Then she noticed that people stopped coming down, or at least they came less often. They had lost track of time. And maybe she had as well. The days faded into weeks which faded into months until all the flowers on the trees turned brown and the petals floated to the ground until the rain washed them away, then the leaves turned yellow, orange, brown, and were blown away on the wind. Then the snow came and coated the ground and ice froze onto the trees and frost left beautiful designs in the windows. She could swear that even though it was winter outside, Zane kept somehow communicating with the frost like he had with the snow during the funeral, because some of the designs looked suspiciously like flames and mountains and lightning bolts, and a lot of them were beautiful swirly versions of the symbol on Pixal’s outfit.

No one really believed the news when Pixal told them that Zane was still alive in the system. They wanted to believe, but they just couldn’t accept it. They all disappeared, locked themselves away.

Every once in a while Nya would see Kai when she was looking for people in the tower. He always looked so sad and lost. She wanted to comfort him and tell him things would get better, but she could never bring herself to be so optimistic with everything that had happened. All she could do was hug him and be thankful she’d found someone in this labyrinth, sometimes saying things to him she could never remember later. When they parted ways, she could never tell if she had made a difference or if he was still sad.

And then she would be alone again.

Sometimes she met up with Cole and they would talk for a while about nothing important. He seemed to be in pain whenever the conversation dug any deeper than the weather or the rebuilding of the city or how lonely they were in this giant tower. And even then it was painful. They were both confused about how that stupid love triangle had ended or if it had really ended at all. Nothing seemed to be resolved, but neither of them wanted to talk about it. Just like everything else, it was too painful.

And then she would be alone again.

Nya got worried when she stopped seeing Jay. Most of the time she wanted nothing more than to talk to him. She didn’t care if he ended up going on a tangent about science-y stuff that she didn’t understand, she just wanted to see him. Sometimes she knocked on his door, but he never responded. In fact, she didn’t see him until after Kai had told her how far gone he was. But by the time she found him, he was up and walking around the tower on his own. Maybe he shouldn’t have been, but he was.

“Jay?”

“I don’t need help, I’m perfectly fine.” He whipped around, a hint of hope in his eyes despite what he was saying, but the look disappeared when he registered who he was looking at. “Oh…”

She smiled when she saw him. He looked angry and upset upon seeing her, but she wanted to somehow get across to him that she wanted to talk. But she had a bad feeling that her message wasn’t quite making it through. “It’s nice to see you out of your room.”

“Yeah.”

There it was. That guilty look he had when he was lying. “You’re lost, aren’t you?” she asked.

He paused. She could tell he was thinking hard. He knew he was lost, but he couldn’t decide whether or not he wanted to admit it. Being locked away in his room had really taken a toll on him. “Yeah,” he said in a whisper.

Still trying to give him a smile, she reached forward to take his hand. He pulled back, his eyes locked on the ground.

“But I don’t need help,” he said. “Especially not _your_ help.”

She sighed and let her hand fall to her side. This was hopeless, but that wouldn’t stop her from trying. “You need _someone’s_ help, Jay. I know you don’t want to admit it.” Or maybe he just didn’t know it.

“No,” he said. “I really don’t need anyone’s help.” He finally looked up at her. “At all.”

“Then I guess you just don’t know it,” she said as his gaze dropped to the floor again. “I’m not going to just leave you here. You’ll never get anywhere if you’re going in circles in this dead end hallway.” He pulled away again when she went to take his hand, but she moved closer and grabbed his arm instead.

“Here you go,” she said after dragging him behind her to the kitchen. “Have fun.”

As she walked off, she paused. She didn’t remember him ever saying that he was hungry. Maybe it was just intuition. Or maybe she was so worried about taking care of him that she didn’t care whether he was hungry or not, but he needed to eat no matter what. She didn’t know. Maybe it was both.

And then she was alone again.

It was infuriating sometimes.

After that she didn’t see Jay again. When she talked to Kai, he told her that Jay had locked himself into his room again. She got so scared that she hid away herself. Except she had the sense to hide in the kitchen, where she practically lived on hot chocolate and slept with her head on the table until she heard noises one morning.

Kai was leaning heavily on Cole as they made their way in. Nya ran her fingers through her hair, taming it back into place, and helped Cole sit her brother at the counter. After some cereal and milk were poured into a bowl, she followed Cole to the doorway, and the two of them talked for the first time in weeks.

“He’s almost as bad as Jay,” Cole said under his breath.

“I’m just glad you got him out of the hallway,” she whispered in return as Kai stirred his cereal absentmindedly.

Cole nodded. “I feel like all of this is my fault. I just don’t want to lose anyone else because I couldn’t be there for them.”

When he closed his eyes and hung his head, she rested her hand on his shoulder. “Don’t say that. This isn’t your fault. Just because you’re physically strong doesn’t mean you’ll always be emotionally strong.”

She had wanted to say it for so long. He had been so out of it since the battle, but Nya never wanted to mention it because he was always so stable and strong and ready for anything. It was weird to see him like this, and all she wanted was to make him feel better, and to let him know that it was okay to be sad and angry and scared.

She slipped her arms around his waist, closed her eyes, and rested her head on his chest. “No one is perfect, and no one has been stable since then.” Even she had to admit she wasn’t okay. “I know you’re the leader and all, but it’s okay to be upset and it’s okay to want to be alone for a while. But if you keep pretending to be strong like this you’ll only hurt yourself. That’s what they’re doing.” She opened her eyes and glanced back at Kai, who still had a bowl full of cereal in front of him.

Cole tensed up.

“See? You’re still thinking it.”

“What? No I’m not. Why do you think—"

“You don’t want to let them slip,” she said, ignoring him. She didn’t know how she knew either. She just did. She had always been able to understand what people were thinking just by watching them or simply just by knowing them well enough. And it was easy to do both with all of the ninja. “You think it’s your responsibility, that you have to be strong for them. Feeling this way isn’t weakness, though. It’s human.”

“But I have to help them.”

She looked up at him. “Do you think someone needs to help you?”

He paused.

“That’s how they feel. You need someone’s help just like they do, Cole. It doesn’t have to be anything much. Just a little push sometimes, like you helping Kai get out of the hallway to eat, or even just talking to someone. You can always come talk to me, okay? You can talk to me about anything.”

Cole closed his eyes. “Okay. But not now. I have something else I need to take care of first.” He gently pushed her away and turned out the doorway, leaving Kai and Nya together in the kitchen.

She sighed. Fine. If that was as much as she would get, she could take it for the time being. But they were going to be talking later. She would make sure of it.

After watching Cole round the corner, Nya turned back to see Kai at the counter, staring off into space with only a few bites of his cereal gone, the rest of it getting real soggy real quick. She slipped into the seat next to him. “How’s your cereal?”

He shrugged, still stirring it around slowly.

“Have you even eaten any?”

He nodded.

“How much?”

The stirring stopped, and Kai scooped up a spoonful of cereal and milk, looking at her as if for approval.

“One bite?”

He nodded and put the spoon back in the bowl.

“What’s your name?”

He looked up at her, his eyebrows furrowed together.

She laughed quietly. “Oh come on. I’m just trying to get you to talk. I want to hear your voice.”

He shook his head and went back to staring at the bowl.

Nya sighed. “You’re hopeless. Both of you.”

Kai was silent as she got up and moved about the kitchen, making another hot chocolate and tossing in a couple handfuls of marshmallows. He looked up when she paused for a second at the doorway, but when she didn’t hear his voice, she turned and left him there.

And then she was alone again.

 

“Why would it show her your face if you didn’t already have a thing for her?”

“Why didn’t it show her _your_ face if you were her boyfriend?”

Silence. Nya paused before going into the kitchen, feeling her breath becoming ragged.

“Jay, I didn’t mean—”

“Yes you did. Don’t say you didn’t. You’re right. It wasn’t our decision, it was always hers. She always had her mind made up, before that machine even came into the picture.” There was a pause, but it was Jay who continued to speak. “Nya never wanted me, she just didn’t have the heart to say anything.”

She felt like throwing up when she actually heard her name.

There was a crashing noise from inside the kitchen, then footsteps coming out, running.

Jay stopped for a second when he saw Nya in the hallway. His eyes were red and there were tears pooled up, a few already escaping. But just as she opened her mouth to say something, he reached up to hide his face with one hand and took off toward the stairwell.

She wanted to move. She wanted to say something. She wanted to follow him up the stairs. But after she heard the door slam, there was a click. He had locked himself in again. “No, no, no,” she repeated to herself. This was the third time, she couldn’t let it happen again. There was no way to keep him outside that room, and she couldn’t bring herself to go up and try to pull him out. Instead she felt tears at the corners of her own eyes, and all she could do was collapse onto the floor, her head resting on her knees as she cried.

Nya figured she must have fallen asleep there, because when she finally lifted her head, it was bright outside though when she’d gone down there was only the dim orange of the early morning sun. Tears had dried onto her face and it took some effort to rub them away. Her empty hot chocolate mug sat next to her on its side because she had dropped it before even getting her refill. She grabbed it and stood up, making her way into the kitchen.

Cole had left, and once again she felt the feeling of the tower closing in on her because it was so empty. Why was she always so alone? She made her hot chocolate, pulled out the whole bag of marshmallows, and set it on the table next to her mug when she sat down. She scooped up spoonfuls of hot chocolate and marshmallows until the ones she had put in were all gone, then she would replace her supply, and so the cycle went until there wasn’t enough hot chocolate to scoop, and she drank the last bit. Tears began to gather again, though she wasn’t sure why.

She didn’t hear the light footsteps coming down the stairs or turning the corner into the kitchen. Only when she saw movement out of the corner of her eye did she turn her head to see her company.

“Sorry,” Jay whispered, hanging his head and turning to leave.

“Wait!” She jumped up and ran after him, grabbing his wrist before he made it to the doorway. “Don’t go, please.”

He turned to face her, a tear clinging to his chin. “I just want to be alone. Why doesn’t anyone just leave me alone?”

“I need you,” she said, very close to a whisper so that her voice wouldn’t crack. “I feel like everyone’s expecting me to keep them sane. I can’t do it anymore, I can’t. I’m so sick of being there for everyone. I want someone to be here for me. I…I need you, Jay. Please don’t leave. I’ll make you hot chocolate or something.”

He gave her just a hint of a smile. “Nya, you know I don’t like hot chocolate.”

“I’ll make one for myself, then,” she said with a quiet giggle.

“I don’t think that’s how you bribe someone.”

“Shh, I’m trying my best.”

That time he did smile for just a second. It was real, too. His dull eyes suddenly became bright again for the first time in months and his smile was contagious. But it only lasted a second, and they both went back to frowning.

“What’s wrong?”

He took a deep breath. “I don’t understand anything anymore. I thought you’d chosen him, but…I just don’t know. I don’t get it and I don’t think I ever will.”

“I don’t know either, Jay. I don’t remember choosing anyone. I’ve just never had a chance to really talk to you since…” Her voice trailed away.

“Maybe it’s better this way. I mean, when you and I are…not…n-not…”

“Not together?”

A tear got away from him. “Yeah.”

“That’s not what you really think…is it?”

“It would be better for everyone. Just…you know. In general. I don’t care if you want to be with him or not. But…I know you were listening earlier when Cole and I were fighting. And I want you to know I don’t regret saying any of it, and I’m glad you heard it.” He paused, his breathing ragged.

His voice from before echoed in her head. _“Nya never wanted me, she just never had the heart to say anything.”_

“I just want to know one thing,” he said suddenly, snapping Nya back into reality. “Did you want me when you first said yes?”

“Of course I did,” she said immediately. “Everything just got complicated. I didn’t know what was going on in my head for a long time.”

“Until that image of Cole showed up on that machine, right?”

“Kind of. It just made things more complicated, though. I finally understood what was happening, then I was at war with myself. I didn’t want to make the decision. But…I think you’re right. I didn’t want to hurt your feelings.”

Jay was nodding, staring at the floor. “I get it. And that’s why this is better.”

“I don’t think you really want it.”

“It’s what you want, though. And it’s what we all need. Whatever you choose, this is my choice. I don’t want things to be complicated like this anymore. I don’t want to lock myself away and talk to myself until I go insane. I don’t want to be alone in the dark anymore. I’m sick of living on energy drinks and starving myself and staying awake until my body shuts down. I want to talk to people without them worrying about me, about my health or my feelings. I just want to be normal. I’m not a child anymore, and I’m sick of being treated like one.” He took a step back, away from her, and reached a hand up to wipe away a tear. “I love you, Nya. I really do. It’s not what I want, but it’s what I need.”

He was about to keep going. At least he was going on those rants like he always did, even if this one was more than a little messed up, Nya thought as she leaned forward to kiss him on the cheek. “Shh,” she whispered. “I get it. You can shut up now.”

“S-sorry.”

There was silence for a few minutes. Or maybe a few seconds. Nya figured time would never make sense again.

“You know,” she said quietly, “that offer for hot chocolate still stands.”

“The past few minutes has not changed the fact that I still don’t like hot chocolate, Nya.”

“Well what _do_ you like?”

“Coffee?” he said shyly.

“Hell no,” was the immediate response. “You’ve been living off energy drinks. Coffee is not even close to being an option right now.”

He sighed, the teensiest idea of a smirk on his face. “Fine. Apple cider?”

“I guess that’s acceptable,” she said, giving him a real smile. It felt good. She pulled a new mug out of the cupboard and went about heating up more water, glancing back every once in a while to see Jay at the table, nibbling on marshmallows one at a time. When she was done, she sat across from him and slid the mug toward him. “Careful, it’s hot.”

“I don’t care if I burn my tongue. Kai’s done that enough times that I’m used to it by now.”

He seemed to take a while to notice her wide eyes. “Not like that!” he said quickly. “That’s not what I meant! Oh gosh…” He let his head fall to the table with a little klunk noise. “Ow.”

Nya giggled. Maybe he was right. He was back to normal now. Sort of. He was on his way, at least, and that was all that mattered.

As Jay took careful sips of cider and continued to sneak marshmallows when he thought she wasn’t looking, Nya folded her arms on top of the table and rested her head. Before she knew it, her eyelids were heavy, and when she finally let them close, she was engulfed by sleep.

 

After everything he’d been through, Jay was surprised when he found that he had the strength to carry Nya up to her room. But he did, and he was proud of himself. Maybe things were actually going to end up okay this time. Maybe he would actually get better. And maybe, just maybe, he would figure out how Zane’s heart worked.

Jay set Nya down on her bed and pulled the covers up over her. She stirred a little before he bent down and kissed her forehead. “Good night, Nya.”

And then she was alone again.

But it was okay, because things were finally starting to turn around for the better.

 


	5. Chapter 5

_ “I’m proud of you, Zane. One day, I promise, we will find your family.” _

_ “But…I’ve already found them.” _

_ “I feel there’s more to you than meets the eye. There’s something special about you, Zane.” _

_ “You’re…a robot?” _

_ “All this time, and I never knew.” _

_ “You’re still the same Zane, just more…gears.” _

_ “Yeah, and how cool is it that I can honestly say, my brother is a nindroid!” _

_ “You were built to protect those who cannot protect themselves.” _

_ “There is nothing that will hold me back! I know who I am!” _

_ “I’m just…Zane.” _

_ “You’re so much more than just Zane.” _

_ “Support me, friends, for one last time.” _

_ “Let go of him, Zane! What is he doing?” _

_ “He’s protecting us.” _

_ “I am a nindroid, and ninja never quit! Go, ninja! Go!” _

_ “Wherever you are, Zane, you’ll always be one of us.” _

 

“Nya?” There was a knock at the door. “I made some food.”

Her head perked up when she heard the voice. Could it really be…? She got up and opened the door to see…yeah. It was him. The last person she expected.

“Jay?”

He smiled and held his hand up to wave at her. “Good morning!”

Nya shook her head. “Is this a dream?”

“Um…” Jay looked around himself. “I don’t think so. If it is, we’re having the same dream.”

She blinked. It was still so unreal, seeing him so cheery like this. “Are you okay?” she asked, putting her hand up to his forehead.

His eyes followed her hand. “I’m pretty sure I’m fine. I mean I was able to get out of bed on my own for the first time in…a really long time. And look! I’m more awake and ready than ever, I am so pumped up!”

“Am  _ I  _ sick?”

“Hmm,” Jay said, reaching forward and resting his hand on her forehead. “Nope. For once, everything is fine!”

It didn’t seem like he would ever stop smiling. On one hand, Nya was still convinced something was more wrong than usual, but on the other hand, the old Jay was back. The guy who was a child at heart who still loved comics and cotton candy and made terrible puns whenever the opportunity presented itself to him. Shaking her head again, Nya smiled back and decided to just go with it. “Okay then,” she said, still a bit hesitant. “You made food?”

“Omelettes! Well…okay I didn’t exactly make them. We’re all going to make them together! But I made up the idea, so I think that counts for something. Come on!” Without waiting for a response, he grabbed her hand and pulled her out of her room, still in her pajamas.

 

“Cole, open up! It’s time for breakfast!”

Cole slid out of bed, rubbing his eyes and yawning. If he didn’t know better, he would have thought that the voice outside his door sounded a lot like…

“Jay?”

“Morning!” Jay smiled so wide that it looked almost unnatural after all these months without even a hint of happiness. And it was genuine. His eyes were sparkling again.

“You okay? Is something wrong?”

“Why is everyone saying that? Everyone meaning both you and Nya. I haven’t found Kai yet. Or Pixal. I’m fine, Cole, don’t worry! Everything is fine now! Come on, I made breakfast!”

“…You? Breakfast? What?”

“Are you even awake in there?”

Cole couldn’t help but yawn. “Not really,” he admitted.

“I made breakfast,” Jay said again, slower this time. “Sort of. We’re going to make breakfast together, all of us! Doesn’t that sound fun?”

“Since when are you so excited about everything?”

Jay shrugged, the smile never disappearing. “I don’t really know. Maybe it’s just a good night of sleep and some actual food. I don’t know. Come on!”

“It’s like…seven in the morning,” Cole said with another yawn. “Or something. It feels like seven in the morning.”

“That doesn’t matter!” Jay said, taking Cole’s hand. “Breakfast! You love making food! You’re not good at it, but you love it. Now come on, we’re doing this together! As a family!”

“Family?”

 

There was a knock at the door. “Kaaaaaiiiiiiiii! Are you awake?”

“What do you want, Jay?”

“Come downstairs, we’re making breakfast!”

“I don’t wanna get up yet. Wake me up when breakfast is ready.”

“Are you sleep-talking? Come on, Kai! Get up! Open the door at least! Please?”

Kai opened his eyes slowly. “Five more minutes,” he mumbled, pulling the blankets back over his head. “I’m tired. I only went to bed like an hour ago. I haven’t slept.”

“That explains a lot,” Jay said from outside the door. “Well, you broke down my door once. Maybe I’ll just have to break yours down. Hey, Cole? I could use your help over here.”

“No wait!” Kai shot up. “Don’t do that! I’m up, I’m up.” He sat on the edge of his bed, suddenly awake and processing what had just happened in the past few seconds. Jay…outside his own door. Was he dreaming? Kai slowly got up and opened the door. Light flooded into his dark room and he stood there blinking for a few seconds.

Not only was Jay standing outside, smiling and bouncing up and down on his toes, but he had Nya and Cole behind him, both looking like they were still half-asleep.

“Good morning, sleepyhead!” Jay said cheerfully.

“Jay? Are you okay?”

Jay huffed. “You too? Yes, I’m perfectly fine. Is that out of the way now? I’m okay, I’ve never felt better! Well actually there have been lots of times when I’ve felt better. I’m really hungry, and kinda tired. Maybe that’s just because you guys won’t stop yawning and stuff. But I’m feeling great otherwise!”

It was a real smile. He wasn’t pretending, then again he had always been good at making a fake smile look real. But…there was no way this could be fake. “What’s going on?”

“We’re making breakfast! All four of us, as a family! Come on!”

Kai couldn’t help smiling a little. “What are we making?” he asked, reaching up to feel if his bedhead was as bad as it felt. It was.

“Omelettes!”

Yeah, this was real. This was the old Jay, the kid who never grew up, who everyone had thought was gone for good.

“Sounds delicious,” Kai said. He stepped outside to join them and closed the door behind him. Really he wasn’t all that hungry, but this was the first time they had all been together since the funeral, and he wasn’t going to turn this down for anything.

 

_ You’re back. _

Not by choice. By necessity.

_ Oh? _

If I didn’t have to sleep, I wouldn’t. I hate you. I hate hearing you in my head. I hate the urge to respond to everything you say, you know that?

_ You did survive for a while without sleep. _

Yeah, but I never felt good about it. I always felt like shit when I was awake. When I finally did sleep, I slept for days and when I woke up from it I felt even worse. And I was hungry and exhausted. It wasn’t living. It was surviving. And I never want to do it again. Even if it means I have to listen to you every night when I go to bed.

_ … _

Wow. Let me just relish this moment. I actually made you speechless.

_ You only gave me a couple seconds. _

You know, you don’t even sound like Zane anymore. Your voice sounds exactly like mine. It makes things less painful. In one aspect at least. On the other hand, I now understand why everyone tells me to shut up all the time. My voice is ugly.

_ Hey, I resent that. _

Yeah?

_ I’m you as much as you are. _

See. This is another reason why people tell me to shut up. I don’t make any sense.

_ That made perfect sense and you know it. _

Oh, shut up. Oh great now I’m telling myself to shut up! How sad is that?

_ Stop laughing. _

I can’t! It’s hilarious!

_ It’s not that funny. _

I need to do this more often! I think I’m finally learning to enjoy your unavoidable presence!

_ …Shut up. _

You shut up. You can’t tell me what to do. You’re my subconscious. All of your ideas have to go through my …conscious…ness. This voice. This voice than I’m controlling. I control you.

_ … _

Yeah. I control you now. Take that! I don’t have to listen to you! Maybe I can even turn you off! I control you!

_ … _

_ … _

_.. _

Oh gosh did that actually work?

_. _

It worked. It worked. It worked! I did it!

 

“You’re doing it again.”

“Doing what?”

Nya giggled. “The tongue thing.”

Jay paused, stopping what he was doing. Then he became aware of the fact that he was sticking his tongue out…again. “Oh no!”

Laughing, Nya placed a little bowl on his desk. “Here. Cole made some soup. Trust me, it’s not poisonous or anything. I had some and I haven’t felt sick yet, so I’m pretty sure it’s okay.”

“Thanks,” Jay said. He picked up the bowl and took a careful sip from it. “Hm. That’s actually pretty good.”

“I brought up some water too.” She set a few water bottles on the desk next to the bowl.

“Oh come on. I won’t be up here that long.”

“Don’t kid yourself, Jay,” Nya said, putting a hand on her hip. “You’re getting better, but you’re not all the way there yet. I get that you need your alone time and all, but you’ve been up here since breakfast.”

Jay had just picked up his screwdriver again when he froze and looked up at her. “What time is it?”

Nya checked the clock that hung next to Jay’s door. “Seven. At night.” She giggled again. “Don’t worry, you haven’t been up all night.”

He sighed deeply and got back to work. “Sorry. I must have lost track of time. I’m on a roll here.”

“What are you working on?”

“You’ll see.”

She was quiet for a while, and Jay could tell she was trying to figure out what he was building. “Well, don’t stay up too late, okay? You need to get your sleep.”

“Don’t worry, I’ve got an alarm set to tell me when to go to bed.”

Nya laughed. “Whatever works, I guess. I’m glad you’re feeling better though.” She brushed her hair to the side and kissed him on the forehead. “We’re going to watch a movie downstairs in case you need anything or if you just need a break.”

“Okay. I’ll probably be up here. Still working.”

“Don’t work too hard.”

“Nya, I’m fine. I’ve got my alarm, remember? This project is  _ really  _ important, okay? I promise it’ll be worth it. And once I’m done everything will be normal again. I hope.”

He tried to make it convincing. But really, he was telling the truth. She had no reason not to believe him. He smiled. “I promise.”

She sighed. But she bought it. Nya nodded with a little smile and turned out the door into the hallway outside, leaving the door open.

The sounds of an action movie soon drifted up from downstairs. People talked, guns fired, bad guys screamed, good guys plotted, punches were thrown, there was probably a love story of some sort in there, there was also probably a rescue mission of some sort, there was definitely a final battle in there, there was the climax, then guns stopped firing and punches stopped being thrown. There was just dialogue and music for a few minutes, then a short pause, then the credits music played for a few seconds before stopping suddenly. People were talking in the real world downstairs, much quieter than the TV, there was some clinking around in the kitchen and more talking. Then the voices came closer, accompanied by the sounds of feet on the stairs.

There was a knock on the door. “Good night, Jay,” said Nya’s voice. “I’m going to bed.”

“Me too,” Kai’s voice said from behind her. “Night.”

Without turning to look, Jay waved at them. “Night. See you guys in the morning, probably.”

They walked off to their rooms just down the hall.

A few minutes later, there was another knock.

“The door is open, you know that right? It is literally open. You are looking into my room right now. Like it’s not even just unlocked, the door is wide open because Nya keeps leaving it open. You don’t have to knock.”

“Sorry,” Cole said quietly. “Just thought you might want to know there was someone here before I started talking.”

Jay sighed. “What do you want?”

Cole took a few steps into the room. “I want to apologize.”

“For what?”

“For how I treated you…I forget how long ago it was, but I said some things and I didn’t mean any of it. I just wanted to say I’m sorry. For everything.”

Jay stopped working. He set his tools down on his desk and hung his head, not turning around or getting up or anything. “You meant every word of it, Cole. Look, I don’t care if you meant it or not anymore. Everything is finally going back to normal. I just want to forget it. It never happened, okay?”

There was silence. It felt like it lasted forever. “Nothing has changed for you, has it? No one said anything or did anything to change you. All you did was get some food and a good night’s sleep and suddenly you could put that cheerful mask on again. You just wanted people to stop bugging you. Be honest, Jay. That’s all this is about.”

“I just wanted to be alone, okay?”  _ No, Jay. If you cry, he’ll know. He’ll come in and he’ll try to help. He’ll never leave you alone. Don’t cry. Don’t cry. Don’t get emotional. Don’t cry. _ “I just wanted to work, and for people to stop looking at me like I had all these problems. I wanted things to go back to normal. So I got better, and I’m fine. I’m fine.” His voice was betraying him. It cracked so many times as he spoke. All he could do was bury his face in his hands and try to keep his sobs silent.

He didn’t hear Cole’s footsteps as they crossed the floor. All he knew was to keep himself quiet and to try to stop himself from crying, but that the tears didn’t stop. At least that was all he knew until he felt gentle fingertips touching his back. He took a sharp breath in when he felt it, then he felt Cole’s hands on his shoulders.

“I know that’s what you want, and I know the last thing you want is for me to tell you that it’s not what you need. But someone needs to tell you. Someone needs to be here for you.”

“That’s why I’m always working like this,” Jay said with a little sniffle. “When I’m done, I’ll have my friend back.”

Cole was silent. It seemed like he was just now understanding why Jay had locked himself away for so long, what he’d been doing while he was alone.

The alarm on Jay’s phone went off suddenly. Ten o’clock.

“Time for bed,” Jay mumbled, getting up and accidentally bumping into Cole on his way to his bed. “Sorry…”

“Don’t be. It was my fault.” They stood there for a while before Cole reached toward Jay again, pulling him close and not letting go.

Jay closed his eyes, feeling tears beginning to form again.  _ Don’t cry. Don’t cry. Don’t cry. _ But no matter how many times he repeated those words to himself, he couldn’t hold back.

Somehow Cole knew. Maybe it was the tears soaking into his shirt, maybe it was Jay shaking in his arms. But he knew. He reached one hand up to card through Jay’s hair. A few seconds later, Jay felt himself slowly relaxing, his breathing becoming less ragged, his hands and jaw becoming less clenched. His tears stopped.

“Feeling better?”

Jay nodded. “A little.”

“Good,” Cole said. “You should probably get to bed.”

“Y-yeah. Sleep is important.”

Cole finally let go, but not before giving Jay a quick kiss on the forehead. “Good night. Don’t work yourself too hard, and don’t lock the door ever again. Okay?”

“Okay. I promise. Good night.”

Cole left the door open, but Jay didn’t mind. He shrugged it off and flopped down on his bed, too tired to bother with pajamas or with the covers.

 

_ “So you’re the new guy, right? What’s your name?” _

_ “Zane. Yours?” _

_ “I’m Jay. And that guy over there is Cole. He kind of keeps to himself I’ve noticed. I don’t think he had very many friends back home. Then again, neither did I. Did you have any friends where you came from?” _

_ “No.” _

_ “…You don’t talk much, do you?” _

_ “Not really.” _

_ “I’ve been told I talk too much. Don’t be afraid to like slap me in the face or something to shut me up. Cole tends to do that.” _

_ “That sounds mean.” _

_ “Heh. Yeah I guess it kind of is. But I don’t really mind. He mostly just interrupts me and tells me to shut up, don’t worry. You look worried.” _

_ “I’m not worried, just confused.” _

_ “Yeah…you’ll get used to that feeling, Zane. It took me a while to get my bearings around here. But don’t worry. We’re a team now, all three of us. We’re like brothers. Family!” _

_ “Family.” _

 

_ “Hey, Zane! What kind of shoes do ninjas wear?” _

_ “…Tabi boots?” _

_ “No, silly. Sneakers!” _

_ “I do not understand.” _

_ “Come on, Zane. It’s a joke. You’re supposed to laugh. It’s funny. You can laugh, right? Come to think of it, I’ve never heard you laugh before.” _

_ “I still do not understand what makes it funny.” _

_ “Because…ninjas sneak. So they wear…sneakers. It’s not funny when I have to explain it.” _

_ “It wasn’t funny to begin with, Jay!” _

_ “Shut up Cole! Whatever. Not even a smile though, Zane? Do you even have a sense of humor?” _

_ “Apparently not.” _

_ “Okay…let’s try another one then. What do you call a big pile of cats?” _

_ “…” _

_ “A meowntain!” _

_ “…” _

_ “Really? Do you even know how to laugh? You know… haha. Laugh. Come on.” _

_ “…I do not understand.” _

_ “Of course you don’t. We’ll have to work on your sense of humor, Zane.” _

 

_ “And white ninja is Zane, master of ice, and Seer with the sixth sense.” _

_ “I sense this one takes things a little too seriously.” _

_ “You too have the gift?” _

_ “He’s just making a joke, Zane. Remember what we talked about, your sense of humor?” _

_ “Yes, it was a joke. Ha, ha.” _

 

_ “You’re…a robot?” _

_ “All this time, and I never knew.” _

_ “Guess this explains why you’re always acting so weird, right?” _

_ “The reason I never had a sense of humor was because my funny switch wasn’t on.” _

_ “It just makes you more special! You’re still the same Zane, just more…gears.” _

_ “No matter what you’re made of, you’re still our brother.” _

_ “Really?” _

_ “In fact, I bet it makes you an even better ninja.” _

_ “Yeah, and how cool is it that I can honestly say my brother is a nindroid?” _

_ “A nindroid?” _

_ “Now come on. Pythor is still out there looking for the first fang blade. And we need you.” _

_ “You’ll have to go on without me. I just don’t feel right.” _

 

“Zane…”

Jay reached out, waking up when he suddenly became aware that he was reaching into the darkness of his own room in Borg Tower, not toward the Zane in his memory, his dream.

“No…don’t go away. I don’t want to wake up.”

As hard as he tried, he just couldn’t fall asleep again. He laid still and closed his eyes, he tossed and he turned and he did everything he could, but all it did was make him feel more awake.

Feeling stranded in his awakeness, Jay sat up and stretched. He realized that he’d slept in his clothes, and he felt uncomfortable in them. Instead of changing into new clothes, he finally changed into pajamas. Kind of pointless now that he was awake, but they were far more comfortable.

There was a knock on his open door. “Breakfast!” said Nya’s voice before her footsteps disappeared downstairs.

“Be right there.”

 

“I’m so close! Trust me, I’ll finish today!” Jay said excitedly.

“Cool story,” Cole said. “Eat up.”

Jay sighed and took his second spoonful of cereal all morning. “I’m too excited to eat! Or maybe I’m too nervous. What if it doesn’t work? What if I did something wrong?”

“I doubt it,” Nya told him, taking another sip of her hot chocolate. “You built every piece of machinery in the bridge on our old ship. You built rocket boosters to make it fly. You built that sparring bot!”

“Yeah, but the sparring bot broke after a certain pesky little kid messed with it.”

“You still built it, and it was functional before Lloyd screwed it up, right?”

“I was testing it.”

“Jay, don’t worry,” Kai said, sitting next to Nya at the table. “You can do it. Everyone believes in you.”

Jay couldn’t help smiling a little bit. “You don’t even know what I’m working on though.”

“Doesn’t matter. We believe in you.”

“Thanks, guys,” Jay said after a little pause. He finished his cereal as quickly as he could, put his bowl by the sink, and went back up to his room. He had a feeling he would finish today.

 

“Okay…and I think that’s the last piece. Yes!” Jay pushed his chair away from his desk and let it do a quick spin around. The most genuine smile on his face in months, he made his way back to the desk and stood over his creation. “I can’t believe this is really happening.” The snow had been coming in less and less copious amounts, and now it had almost stopped completely. He couldn’t see any snow on the ground, though he knew it was still probably freezing out there. But spring was almost here. And he was finally finished.

He had butterflies in his stomach. As he reached forward to press the switch, all of the nervous thoughts he’d had about this whole project flooded back to him. Every thought came down to the same few words: what if it didn’t work?

“I guess we’ll find out now,” Jay whispered to himself. “Please work please work please work please work.”

He reached in, between a few wires, and found the switch. “Three,” he whispered. “Two….one.” There was a click, and at once the buzz of electricity flowed through the wires, gears started whirring, and the blue circle glowed and began to pulse. Jay jumped back, almost as if he really hadn’t expected anything to work properly. “Z-zane? Are you awake?”

No response.

“Zane?”

Still nothing. The robot laying on the table hadn’t even opened his eyes. It was like he was asleep.

Jay began muttering to himself, trying to figure out what was wrong. “He doesn’t need to charge or anything, his heart is working just fine. He’s got power, he’s got all of his memories and everything…right?” He searched through the wires and switches under the open panel in Zane’s chest. “Yup, there’s the memory drive.” It was plugged in, so that meant the robot should have contained everything about Zane that Jay managed to pull from the main system in the tower. Everything was in its right place. The humor switch was even turned on. Jay sat back down in his chair and buried his face in his hands. “What did I do wrong? There has to be something I can fix here.”

“Am I broken?”

“Yes, you—” Jay’s head perked up. “Zane?” The robot’s eyes had opened, and his head was turned to face Jay, though the rest of his body laid perfectly still. Seeing those eyes again sent a chill through Jay’s body. “You’re awake!” He jumped to his feet and helped his friend sit up. “You’re alive again!”

“I am?” There was something in his face…it seemed like he couldn’t quite register what was happening. Worse, Jay got the feeling that Zane didn’t recognize  _ him _ .

“Yeah. Zane, you remember me right?”

His eyes were empty.

“Zane?”

“No. I do not remember you. Should I?”

Jay took a step back. No. There had to be something missing. There had to be something he forgot to do. There had to be something he could fix. “Oh! Your memory switch, I forgot to turn it on! I’m such an idiot.” He reached forward and flipped the tiny switch, the one he’d made small on purpose so no one would accidentally turn it back off. “There you go.” He closed the panel and took a step back. “What about now?”

Zane shook his head. “I’m sorry. I still don’t remember.”

The words hit Jay like a physical blow. He felt dizzy. No, no, no. He fixed it, Zane should remember. Everything was there he should remember. He should remember, he should remember.

“Come on, Zane. I’m your best friend. I’m Jay. I showed you how to get through the training course back at the monastery in one try. We talked all the time about how you have no sense of humor. I taught you how to play videos games and you even beat some of my high scores. When we first found out you were a robot, I made up the word nindroid for you. You made a giant slide out of ice to help us escape a giant snake and you had to keep catching me so I wouldn’t fall off because I couldn’t balance and I ended up penguin-sliding the whole way down. I was upset because Cole ate my pudding and Kai gave me his but it wasn’t cold and you froze it for me! Why don’t you remember?!”

His hands were on Zane’s shoulders, but that empty look was still there.

“Why?” The tears had come back, just when he thought things were going to be okay again, that they might never return.

But he knew now that nothing would ever be the same again. Zane really was gone. The robot sitting in front of him was just an empty shell. A shadow that looked and sounded like Zane. But he wasn’t Zane. Just like the voice in Jay’s head had sounded exactly like Zane at first, but in the end it was only his own. He had locked himself away for so long, only to be reminded of how lonely he really was.

He didn’t remember letting go of the empty robot, he didn’t remember leaving his room or running down the stairs and he didn’t remember exactly how he ended up at the table in the kitchen with a mug of hot chocolate in his hand. He didn’t even like hot chocolate.

“Jay?” Nya’s voice. He looked down, avoiding her and pretending she wasn’t there. “You want to be alone again, don’t you?” He nodded. “It didn’t work?”

He set the mug on the table and laid his head in his arms. The tears came back again, and his breathing became shaky. There was no way to avoid crying.

“I’m sorry,” she said quietly. He heard her sit next to him, and she gently laid her hand on his shoulder. “I know you probably just want me to leave, but I’m worried about you. I don’t want you hiding away anymore. You need someone to be with you. I won’t talk, I’ll just be here, okay?”

He nodded.

 

“Nya?”

“Shh, he’s asleep.”

“Sorry,” Cole’s voice dropped to a whisper. “What happened?”

“His…his project thing didn’t work.”

Silence. Jay’s eyes blinked open painfully.

“He told you what it is?”

“Yeah. Well, not really. I kind of…went through the stuff on his desk a while back and I found the blueprints. He got mad at me for knowing.” Cole sighed. “I hope he’s okay.”

“What was it? What was he building?”

“I’m not sure if I should say. There was a reason why he kept it hidden. I guess if he wants you to know, he’ll let you know in his own time.”

Jay didn’t want any of them to know. Not now, not ever. He’d failed. He didn’t want them to remember his failure.

“I guess so.”

 

He must have fallen asleep again. The room was dark. Night time already? All that crying must have really taken it out of him. Then again, it was still just barely winter, and the sun was still setting so early. The darkness outside didn’t necessarily mean it was late. Nya still had her hand on his shoulder, so Jay didn’t move. He could hear movement across the table from him and assumed that Cole was still there too.

“Why didn’t anyone tell me there was a gather—sorry. Is he asleep?”

“Probably.”

“No,” Jay said quietly. “I’m awake.”

“ _ Kai _ .”

“It’s not his fault,” Jay said, slowly sitting up and rubbing his eyes. “I woke up before he came in. What time is it?”

Nya’s hand slipped off his shoulder. “I think it’s about eight,” she said, looking at Cole for reinforcement. He nodded in return.

“Guess that explains why I’m so hungry.”

“I’ll get you something,” Kai said. “I’m already up. So tell me, Jay. Why were you asleep on the table just now? Too good for your bed?”

“No,” Jay said, clearing his throat to get his voice back. “I…my…my project. It didn’t work.” He had no choice but to tell them that he had failed. But as long as they didn’t know what he had screwed up, they would forget soon. They wouldn’t know how important it was. “I don’t know what I did wrong, but I messed up somehow and I can’t figure out how to fix it.”

“Oh,” Kai said quietly. “I’m really sorry about that. It sounded really important to you.”

No. Not the stupid tears again. “It’s fine. Mistakes happen.”

“Jay.”

He turned to look at Nya. “Hm?”

“What exactly were you building up there?”

He shook his head and looked away, feeling a tear roll down his face. “Nothing important.”

“Yes, it is important. Otherwise you would have told us something like, oh it’s just a radioactive toaster or something. Come on, what was it?”

“Radioactive toaster?” Jay repeated, wiping the tear away. “Why would I make something like that? It’s completely pointless.”

“Jay. What was it?”

He laid his head in his hands again, facing the window. Light snow was falling outside. Jay took a deep breath in. “Zane,” he whispered. “I was rebuilding Zane.”

Silence.

More silence.

Everyone was still. Not even Kai moved.

“I just wanted my friend back. Is that so wrong?”

“That’s why you were making a bigger deal than usual about messing up.”

“Yeah. And I did mess up. I did something wrong, and he’s not…he’s not Zane. He looks like him, he sounds like him. But he’s not Zane. Just…empty. He’s empty. He doesn’t remember anything. He didn’t recognize me. I put all of his memories in, and his personality and everything. I turned his humor switch on, I turned his memory switch on. His heart…his heart was beating. He was awake, but he wasn’t Zane. I messed up and we’re never going to get him back.”

Nya’s hand was on his shoulder again, and he wanted nothing more than to pull away from her, to run back upstairs and lock himself away again, to lay under his bed and cry until he ran out of tears, to never sleep again for fear of more nightmares and the return of the voices in his head, to live on energy drinks again to keep himself awake and to avoid food because just the thought of food made him sick to his stomach. “I miss Zane…”

“Zane?”

Was he asleep again? There was something about Nya’s voice that sounded so familiar. Like they had been through this all before.

“Yeah,” he said, sitting up and looking at her. “Zane. You know, white ninja, the smart strange one?”

“No,” she said, not looking at him but at the doorway. She tugged on his arm, trying to get him to follow her gaze. “Zane!”

Well this felt oddly familiar.

Jay gave in and looked toward the doorway to see his empty robot standing there.

_ “Zane!” _

“Zane!” The other three jumped up and ran across the room to embrace him. But Jay didn’t move.

_ “Zane, we’re so sorry for everything we said. We’re a team, and that means we’re all responsible.” _

No. This time wasn’t the same. At least he knew things back then. Now he had no memories left. He had nothing. He wasn’t Zane.

_ “You don’t need to apologize to me.” _

But there was something in his eyes. They weren’t empty anymore. He was comprehending everything. Did he…did he remember?

_ “What about all those awful things we said? Isn’t that why you left?” _

“Jay said you lost your memories. He said you wouldn’t remember us.”

_ “Of course not. I saw the falcon again, and I followed him.” _

“I didn’t at first. I think it was because they were loading. I remember now. I remember everything. I remember my father, and I remember all of you.”

“Do you remember me?” Jay stood up. Was this real?

His own memories were there, the scene was laid out before him. All of their voices were different because they hadn’t all finished puberty yet. Their dragons were only a few feet away. The endless desert was all he could see in any direction. And yet…he was surrounded by metal walls. There were no dragons, there was no Sensei Wu, there was no desert. And they were all a few inches taller in reality than in memory. Except Zane. He was exactly the same. No puberty for robots.

_ “That’s our Zane.” _

“I remember you.”

Without meaning to, Jay had taken a few steps toward the doorway. Suddenly aware of what he was doing, he sped up. He walked faster and faster and ran the final few steps so that he hit Zane and nearly hurt himself because in his confusion between memory and reality he had forgotten that Zane was a robot. Tears soaked into Zane’s white shirt when Jay laid his head on his friend’s shoulder.

_ “We’re happy to have you back.” _

“I missed you so much, Zane. You have no idea.”

And in that moment, memory became reality.

“Why? Is it my turn to make dinner?”

 

**Author's Note:**

> take care of yourselves, y'all. looking back at this I realize I did shove a lot of my own symptoms at the time onto Jay. I still relapse a little into the whole not-sleeping-when-I'm-depressed thing, but it's not nearly as bad now as it was when I wrote this. I'm no therapist but pls make sure you sleep and eat and stuff, okay? it does help I swear.
> 
> uhh I don't rly have any social media to promote sorry :(


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